


all of these stars (will guide us home)

by WickedSong



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Grieving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-27 14:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8405764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WickedSong/pseuds/WickedSong
Summary: Rinoa knows what she lost that day in this very field. They saved the world but she lost the love of her life, her Knight.

  She finally feels like she understands Edea’s loss – although she always knew it. One of her children died that day.
Following Time Compression, and the defeat of Ultimecia, there comes a price. Rinoa and Edea, loss, grief and understanding.





	

**Author's Note:**

> -I wrote this a little while back - about a year - while I myself was going through a period of grief, and never really meant to post it. The end, especially, became a sort of personal outlet. But, I just read it back, and I actually like it enough to share now. I hope you all like it too.
> 
> -It's AU, in the sense that Squall didn't survive Time Compression. Personally, I'm a sucker for happy endings so would've hated this to be the actual ending of the game, but that's why fanfiction is fanfiction, right?
> 
> -Title is from 'All of the Stars' by Ed Sheeran (because Squinoa. And stars. Am I right?)

Denial and anger are violent and both rip through her like a fire.

When it first happens she’s on her own, and she thinks that she’s only sending the quakes through her own body; ripping through her veins and her blood. She thinks she’s the only one who can feel it.

And then Quistis asks her if she was okay during what they all think was an earthquake.

That’s when Rinoa first realises her powers may be out of control.

When anger subsides and she’s sad, it’s like darkness itself is floating across the corridors of Balamb Garden. There are more reports of violence on these days; Doctor Kadawoki tells her so when she takes up a role in the infirmary.

There are rare glimpses of happiness; when sunshine pours through the windows and everything appears to be okay.

But looks can be deceiving.

They hold an intervention of sorts for her three months after the battle.

Quistis tells her that Edea Kramer has sent word that she’d like to see them. Rinoa knows that Quistis really means she wants to see her in particular.

So they go to the ruins of the Centran orphanage. They find that they’re not as dilapidated as they had been months ago. They haven’t been here since after the final battle with Ultimecia.

Some of the volunteers who are helping the Kramers fix up the place are SeeDs, while others are those who didn’t quite think the life of a SeeD was for them, after all was said and done.

As they pass through, one or two of the volunteers wave, or say a quick hello, but for the most part they’re undisturbed.

Rinoa smells the flowers and springtime in the air, which only causes her to quicken her pace behind the others into the small house, almost crashing into Selphie in the process.

Cid and Edea are good hosts; they ask how things at the Garden are going and Quistis is itching to give them an update – things are moving and changing rapidly in the aftermath of the War with Ultimecia. Zell pitches in at the most inopportune moments, much to Quistis’ disdain. Selphie and Irvine decide to explore what was once their old home and playground – Selphie with all the wonder Rinoa has come to expect from her, and Irvine with the same adoring look in his eyes.

Rinoa forces a smile when Cid asks how she’s doing, but it’s Edea who rises from her seat and beckons her outside for a walk.

The night air is cool and the stars hang in the night sky, illuminating their path.

“You’re troubled aren’t you, Rinoa?” Edea asks. “You feel like everyone else knows what we lost; but yet they don’t understand _your_ grief.”

It’s a selfish thought isn’t it? The others were also his friends; they had been more - his _family_ in this very place. They had all been SeeDs together. Her grief didn’t deserve to rank higher, didn’t deserve to be more important than theirs. But sometimes, it felt like their lives had quickly moved beyond the point of him – and she understood; this was something their training had prepared them for.

But she wasn’t a SeeD; she didn’t know how to do that. She couldn’t help but feel she was left behind – both by them and by him.

And it wasn’t fair.

“Whenever I remember, things happen.” Rinoa shakes her head. “When I’m angry, I can feel the Garden shake. And when I’m sad, I-“

She looks at her hands, praying that some sort of magical solution will just _appear_ , out of thin air.

“You’re a Sorceress,” Edea reminds her. “You have power beneath your fingers that no one – not even I – can comprehend.” She looks up to the stars. “We feel things…differently. He was your Knight, if even for a short time. It’s a bond that not even death can break.”

And there it is. In Edea’s words, Rinoa finds the problem; the thing she cannot move past no matter how much she tries.

“If I have all this power, then why couldn’t I save him?”

She could save the world; she did. And she remembered that joy; storing it away in her life. Yet, she wondered if it was worth it, if she couldn’t save the one person who truly mattered.

She can feel the tremors of her anger take root and she tries all she can to suppress them. Edea only smiles politely at the prospect of such destruction.

“Take me back, Rinoa,” Edea asks quietly. “Talk me through it.”

A gentle hand rests on her arm and Rinoa closes her eyes.

She found him on a deserted plain; devoid of life, of _anything_ , but him. He was limp and lifeless, and she knelt beside him.

_Squall._

She said his name, but it hadn’t been desperate. Not yet.

He was not dead, because he had promised he would go to their place and she would find him there.

He would be alive and she wouldn’t lose him; not like in the dreams she was forced to endure night after night; both in and out of Ultimecia’s possession.

She cradled him in her arms, and said his name once more. But he didn’t stir.

A hand through his hair, a touch she knew he couldn’t feel.

“Come back.”

It’s what she had asked of him, but it’s Edea saying it, in the here and now. Rinoa opens her eyes, out of the trance, grateful that Edea won’t make her relive her frantic pounding of the plain around her, of the tears she shed over his unresponsive form.

She had cried and said his name over and over, that she hadn’t even realised, that at some point, they had arrived back at the flower field, somehow.

But that was as far as her powers had extended, and in her arms, Squall lay unmoving.

He was dead.

When Rinoa adjusts to the surroundings she realises that she and Edea have been moving towards a destination, and the flower field, now deserted, lies in the distance.

“Why are we-?”

Edea shushes her, with a reassuring hand on her arm.

“Cid and I built this home together. It was our escape for when my powers began to…overwhelm me.” Edea gestures and Rinoa understands what she means. “At first it was a safe haven. If it ever got too much, I could stand by the shore and listen to the waves. It relaxed me.”

She smiles to herself. “The shore became our place, Cid and I. He proposed to me there, and we decided to open the orphanage for children who had no other place to go.”

Rinoa nods. She knows this story.

Edea looks over to the one place Rinoa does not allow her eyes to stray. “That flower field. I tended it; with the help of Ellone and…Squall.”

“Of course he wouldn’t have remembered, but he enjoyed just sitting there, with his Sis.” Edea gives a small laugh.

Rinoa still refuses to follow where Edea’s going, and instead folds her arms, forcing the darkness she feels as far down as she possibly can.

She can’t do this forever but she’s stubborn so she’ll at least try.

“You can’t see the point of this story, can you?” Edea asks, murmuring quietly to herself as if she’s just thought of something. “Or maybe you can,” she adds, “and you don’t want to understand.”

“This is where he died,” Rinoa shoots at the older woman. “This is where I held him, this is where I couldn’t save him.”

The ground below her feels as if it’s about to break apart under her feet. She knows it won’t because she can control that much. Edea looks as calm as ever, but Rinoa knows the others will be out to find them soon enough if the quake gets too much.

Edea shakes her head. “This is where he finally found meaning. He found peace here, with you.” Edea smiles at her. Rinoa doesn’t know for sure but she looks grateful.

“I don’t know much about the bond that you two shared, but goodness you can feel it in this place. Can’t you?”

_If you come here, you’ll find me. I promise._

Rinoa shakes her head. “I can’t feel much of anything anymore.”

Edea takes a step forward, and the ground juts a little from beneath her. Rinoa tries to rein in the impact but it forces itself out of her.

Edea stumbles but regains herself quickly. Rinoa’s expecting malice to appear in the older woman’s eyes but they retain that same kindness.

“Yes you can,” she assures the younger woman, with a hand on her shoulder. “You’re young, and this wound will never fully heal. You can’t change the past-“

But they both know she could; Edea even trails off, sharing a meaningful look with Rinoa, at the mere mention of such an idea. Remnants of Ultimecia still live inside her, as do those of Adel. She would even swear she knows things about Edea that she would have never told another soul – not even her husband.

“I never would,” Rinoa tells her. “He wouldn’t want me to.” And she wouldn’t want to either.

Squall had sacrificed his life for a world that she could tear apart with a click of her fingers. It was a cruel irony but that sacrifice would not be in vain.

For the first time Edea looks like she’s about to crumble under the weight of emotion, when she nods. She sounds proud when she agrees that _yes, he wouldn’t._

Rinoa knows what she lost that day in this very field. They saved the world but she lost the love of her life, her Knight.

She finally feels like she understands Edea’s loss – although she always knew it. One of her children died that day.

“How do you stand it?” asks Rinoa. “To be here every day, passing this place, constantly _reminded_ of what happened to him?”

She can’t even bear to spend a second more in this place; to have it all come flooding back. Quistis’ silent shock, Selphie’s horribly loud tears, Irvine shaking his head, clearly in denial and Zell pounding the flowers with his fists until he had run out of strength.

He’s buried on the Winhill Bluffs, next to his mother – more by Ellone’s request than Laguna’s but by both all the same – but his presence is still here. Rinoa can feel him the closer she steps into the field of flowers.

Now she realises that despite her shaking hands and her wobbling steps, she _is_ walking towards it. Edea’s right behind her.

When she reaches the broken pillar that overlooks the field, she leans on it, looking out.

“I can’t bear it, sometimes,” Edea confesses. “It can be hard. Cid suggested we move away from here and find somewhere else to go.” She shakes her head. “This is my home. This was _his_ home, before the Garden.”

Edea finally turns to look at her, and places two calming hands on her shoulders. “And this place, Rinoa, this place should _still_ be your strength, your home.”

It’s like a spark of light that runs through her, the tiniest sliver of hope that never could die. Squall had been broken down by the world before they had even met and still-

Gratitude fills her veins where before there was anger.

“We should go back inside now,” Edea suggests. “It’s getting dark and I have no doubt you’ll have to get back to the Garden soon.”

Rinoa nods, but can’t quite bring herself to turn from this spot now. It took so long to get here-

“Take as much time as you need child,” Edea assures, and with a smile, and one that is not marred with sadness, she turns towards the house.

Alone, with her own thoughts, Rinoa looks up at the sky. “I still don’t understand why you had to go. I don’t think I ever will.” Instinctively, as if it means she’ll be closer to him, Rinoa’s hand goes to the chain around her neck.

“But I think I can try to live with it now. I know that you would’ve stayed if you could’ve. I know you _fought_.” It’s the one thing she knows with absolute certainty.

“You don’t have to fight anymore.”

His ring still hangs from the chain around her neck and she clings onto it tighter than she ever has before.

“I don’t know where I’m going now, Squall. I don’t know where I’m going now, and if I’ll ever be able to control this.”

_We were meant to do it together._

“But I know I love you. We all love you.” She gives a small laugh. “Remember when I told you that; and I asked you not to freak out.” She closes her eyes, because she can already feel the tears in her eyes. “God, I hope you _knew_.”

She hears footsteps coming from inside the house. She can feel the anxiousness radiating off of Quistis from here. She obviously wants to get back to the Garden to make sure everything’s okay.

Rinoa takes one lingering look at the flower field and finally drops his ring from her grasp.

“I’ll be back. I’ll be _here_.”

_Why?_

“I’ll be waiting. And if you come here, you’ll find me. I promise.”

A shooting star crosses through the night sky, and she grins while crying at the sight of it, because she knows where the sign comes from. Her heart lifts at what it means.

It says he knows, and it says he understands.                                                                                                               

And that is all she’ll ever need.

**Author's Note:**

> -Yes, there was a dig at the 'Rinoa is Ultimecia' theory in there. Fight me.
> 
> -Picking a title, and writing a summary for something you wrote like a year ago is really, really difficult. I should start doing that when I write a fic, just in case I get the urge to post it out of the blue like this.


End file.
